I am going to write to make me feel better about my situation in life right now.

 

My mother is dying. Dying from cancer. Seems so unfair and it’s hard to believe that she is really leaving this early. She just retired last year and spend all her time retiring fighting cancer. I don’t like the term “fighting cancer” either. It’s a hard case no matter what, because we never know where it came from or started, it’s only a theory.

 

The memory of her comes out, all the time we spend together, which seems only a little bit. She always worked so hard, a career woman, achieving the impossible in men’s society. Women shouldn’t have to work as hard as men, because our body is build different. Women gives birth to children and we are tough, but in different way than a man. We just function differently, but my mom fight hard to become a professor in her department all throughout her career.

 

It’s not fair.

 

It’s not fair that she has to go so early, nobody expected this happen. She is the youngest of all the grandparents. This feeling inside of me feels like a rage. Rage that radiates to all the people who gave my mother a hard time, insulted her, and brought stress. Only thing that matter at this point though, she lived hard and strong, still protecting us and showed me the big picture of life. She taught me how to feel connected with patients, how to listen and speak with patients, and how to listen with heart.

 

My mother was a veterinarian specialized in feline cancer, diagnosing cancer in cat. She also specialized in doctor-patient communication towards in her late career, which I was totally involved in her training in my young age, going to seminars, study group at the university, and reading all her materials. I am nothing without her. I am a byproduct of my parents and their hard work. I moved across from Tokyo to Texas when I was 14 years old. Of course there are many mixed feeling about this, but overall I turned alright. There were many life events and drama along the way, but I survived.

 

I will be sharing my most inner thoughts here as I go through this life event, because I need this output. Please feel free of sharing your experience and thoughts as well along the way. Thank you for being here.

 

I am happy you are here.

 

I am not sharing this material in Japanese yet. The culture is so different and I don’t want to spread the news in Japanese just yet.

 

When I pray for mom, I can feel her spirit, my spirit, and my grandma’s spirit. Is this mean that through our body, we carry our ancestor’s spirit within us? When I am cooking or doing crafts, I often think about my grandmother, and I feel at home in my heart. I can feel her. To feel your ancestor that live through your DNA, there are some moments or act that reminds you of them, which then leads you to remembering where you come from.

 

Following your feeling is your inner instinct, the gut feeling, is super important skill. We all need to master it. Children have them naturally, but as we “grow” we lose it. Bring back that muscle and start sensing your inner heart. Listen to your body, because it’s trying to communicate with you all the time.

 

As a medicine woman, I speak to my mother’s cancer, and ask to stop growing.

 

“Cancer, as you grow, you are killing your host, then you’ll die too.”

 

 

 

I pray and pray and pray

Stop growing, you are big enough

Move a little so you are not blocking her

Please Dear Cancer, shrink a little

Stop growing, you are big enough

I pray and pray and pray

 

 

 

Love, Love, Love to the World~

 

Maya Kathleen Washizu

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